Holding On
by michellehail
Summary: "The fuck don't I understand, Erwin? How much of a hero you were trying to be?" He's seething now. "Think about what would've happened if you died- What would've happened..." In which Levi realizes how close he was to losing the Commander. Eruri, spoilers for chapter 49.


It's at dawn when he hears it. The gloomy chiming of the city bells that signalled their return. Though he wasn't much of a sleeper, it still made him grumpy when he didn't get his necessary hours of rest. And the past few nights held the very problem.

Levi drags himself out of bed, freshening himself up before throwing on a shirt and jacket, hobbling his way out of his room, his bad leg still taking its time to recover.

Not many were out on the streets at that timing. The sun was just beginning to rise, painting the sky a soft gradient of blue and orange. Limping through the streets, he noticed the small faces of the little children peeping out their house windows, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their heroes.

If anything, he felt bad for those kids. Expeditions outside the walls never held nice figures of soldiers returning, and this time was sure to be no exception.

It's not long before he reaches where the soldiers are passing through. A small crowd has gathered, not to welcome them back but more of to scorn at their failure as per usual. Levi feels disgusted as he pushes his way to the front of the people.

Their numbers have dwindled by an amount, but not as bad as he'd expected. He watched as the soldiers passed, their exhaustion carved on their faces, some of them nodding to him in acknowledgment.

Soon he finds himself walking alongside them. They'd probably get debriefed before getting dismissed. It would be a good time to speak to Erwin to get himself updated about the current situation.

"C-Corporal Levi!" He feels himself spun around harshly by someone. His glare dissipates when he notes the fatigued expression of the recruit before him. "What is it, recruit?"

"I-I've been sent to escort you to headquarters, sir!" Huh, an escort, Levi huffed. He of all people didn't need an escort. This was probably one of Hanji's dumb ideas.

"Fine." He says, falling into pace behind the escort. "What's the situation now?"

"Sir! The legion has managed to retrieve recruit Eren Jaeger from his captivity of the Armored and Colossal Titan sir!"

Levi hums in acknowledgement, amused at how recruits were always so tense around him. "And our strength?"

"We've suffered a 30% lost in our men, sir!"

Huh, but that's still a combined figure with the garrison and the military police, Levi frowns. A mere recruit wouldn't be able to tell him anything in detail.

"Take me to Commander Erwin, I haven't seen him."

The recruit stops abruptly, Levi bumping into his shoulder with a huff. "What now?"

"C-corporal..." Levi watches his expression solemnly, watches it twist into one of fear and helplessness.

_"Commander Erwin is..."_

xxx

He's sitting in his room, watching him rest. Watching his chest rise and fall rhythmically, assuring him that at least he was still among the living.

-_Right arm severed by a titan hidden amongst the trees_

-_Carried on with the battle with a quick tourniquet to stem the blood flow_

-_Wound infection- Nearly lost him. Any longer and-_

-_He wouldn't even be here_

Levi lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His throat feels dry. How long had he been here? The night was dark and still. Maybe nature knew that the soldiers needed their rest.

He leans forward to tuck away the loose strands of hair that fell on Erwin's face. This was rare, he thought. His hair was always neatly combed and parted, giving everyone the image of a strong and capable man. And yet here he was, Levi thought bitterly, so vulnerable and pale and weak. His hair a tousled mess.

It would seem that everyone dies the same way. Levi shifts his position in the chair beside the bed. No matter how strong someone is, when you die, you're just the same as everyone else.

There's a twitch in Erwin's fingers before he blinks awake. Levi sits up too abruptly, grunting as he hit his knee on the side of the bed.

"L-Levi?" Erwin croaks, his voice hoarse and sore.

"How're you feeling?" He asks.

A soft chuckle. "Well, I could be better." He struggles to sit up but Levi is quick to come to his assistance, clumsily brushing the stump of his right arm.

"Sorry." Levi breathes, moving away slowly.

The pair say nothing, both avoiding each other's' gaze, an air of uncomfortable silence hanging around them. Levi sits himself on the edge of his bed.

"You almost died." Levi begins, his voice trembling a little, "of a wound infection."

Erwin notes how heavily bandaged the right side of his body was. "I see." He mutters, not looking at the other man.

"What the _fuck_ were you thinking?" Levi grits his teeth, his fists clenching the sheets beneath him, holding himself back from punching some sense into the older man.

Erwin sighs, lifting his head to look at him. "Levi, you don't understand-"

"The fuck don't I understand, Erwin? How much of a _hero_ you were trying to be?" He's seething now. "Think about what would've happened if you died- What would happen to the scouting legion?

"You think that blond kid is enough to replace you?" He spits, sickened at the thought of someone, _anyone_ replacing him. "He's still a brat, still too young, too incapable and inexperienced.

"Did you even think, Erwin?" He's tired and his body feels heavy. "Did you think... What would've happened..." _to me?_

His face was still red from his outburst, but he doesn't notice. His heart is still racing, scared, no, _terrified _at all the possibilities of Erwin not being there. Dying. _Gone._

"Levi..." The blonde's voice is but a whisper, his remaining hand covering his own, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sorry."

_Sorry._ Suddenly he's hit with a wave of guilt. Guilt from lashing out at a man who's just barely escaped death, a man who'd always been burdened by his responsibilities as a Commander. Guilt for not taking care of the man he loved.

It was his fault.

"I should've been there." He chokes. "This wouldn't have happened."

He doesn't resist when Erwin moves to pull him into an awkward but tight embrace. "Don't." The other's voice deep and firm.

"Don't."

Erwin lies back on his bed slowly, pulling Levi down next to him. His left hand hugging the shorter male closer to him.

"I guess I can't hold you like before anymore." He smiles sadly.

Levi turns to face him. "You don't need to." He whispers, gently snaking his hands around the blonde's waist, burying his head into his chest.

It didn't matter to him. It didn't matter. Now, he would be there for him in times of need. He would take care of him. He would make sure something like this would never happen again.

Levi tightens his embrace around his lover.

It didn't matter if Erwin couldn't hold him like before, because he'd be the one holding on to him from now on.

* * *

**A/N:** Chapter 49 really killed me

I'M STILL SO MAD ISAYAMA WHY

P.S this was my BFF's prompt haha and she did a really awesome comic, check it out at xiahnism tumblr!


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